Elder is a Verb
To elder: to make a conscious choice to live authentically rather than by social expectations, and to engage in a state of internal evolution and change which carries the responsibility for the shape of old age for oneself and for others.
Eldering carries a responsibility that is both joyful and enduring. At times, it might seem to be in conflict with how we feel. Sometimes we might be crochety, querulous, frustrated with the changes that ageing brings, not at all the serene, wise elder of our fantasy. We might daily experience an internal battle between the forces of ageing and eldering.
In that dissonance it is good to remember that there are choices. We can live differently, both inside ourselves and in the world. We can step out of the trance of our own inertia and the trap that our culture has laid for us.
We have, or can develop, the eldering skill of contemplation, as well as the on-going process of reviewing and re-framing aspects of our decades of life. We can focus on the legacy that we leave to those who live longer that we will. And, possibly most importantly, we can prepare for dying and death on every level…practically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.
All these actions are the tasks of eldering. They lead to greater freedom, deeper appreciation of life and more joy each moment, in each breath. This is the arena where to elder conquers the mirage of social conditioning that surrounds ageing. It is the field of inner work which leads us to break the bonds which constrain, allowing us to step into a creative and joyful liberation.
Zalman Schachter-Shalomi, in his book “From Age-ing to Sage-ing” reminds us that this inner transformational work moves us from the stagnation of safety and comfort to the enlivening process of reducing the ego and creating a deeper relationship with Spirit.
This choice is limitlessly rewarding, as all inner/spiritual work is.
This choice is made, moment to moment, breath to breath, as all inner/spiritual work is.
This is the choice to elder.
In The News
Not too long ago, England’s chief medical officer, Prof Chris Whitty, in a major report, recommended a cultural shift in medicine away from maximising lifespan and towards improving quality of life in old age. He argued that sometimes this means “less medicine, not more”.
Finally, it seems, a highly respected government official is taking a well-reasoned, fearless stand for older people. He recommends conversations about treatment and side-effects, and advocates for choice in an older person’s care. Living longer is not necessarily living better. He even acknowledges that the “old-fashioned” self-care steps can have “extraordinary effects” on many aspects of health. These steps are the ones we read about endlessly— stopping smoking, moderating alcohol consumption, having a balanced diet and exercising. And, he reminds us all, that these simple steps play a role in “delaying dementia and heart disease, reducing the risk of falls and boosting mental health.”
While, of course, Witty’s report focuses on the UK, the elder time bomb that exists here is the same as the one all over the developed world. Our medicine is brilliant at prolonging life. However, very few governments and societies are prepared for 1/5 to 1/4 of the population passing their 65th birthday before the middle of this century. Houses are built for young families, not for people who need supports in order to maintain independence, mobility, and excellent mental health.
It is here that elders can take action on our own behalf. Speaking boldly to your health care professionals, lobbying your representatives, advocating with organisations that support our healthy ageing are all avenues to a better growing older.
This too is a task of the elder.
The Elder's Bookshelf
To continue with a Bhuddist-influenced theme…
I’ve recently read a book that has been on my shelf for some time. Clearly the right time had arrived to read, and contemplate, “Aging as a Spiritual Practice” by Lewis Richmond.
The title of this book may be a bit daunting. Here we are asked to consider aspects of our ageing process that we don’t read about in newspaper or magazine articles. It’s not about diet, or exercise, or face lifts or cruises. It’s about approaching ageing from our inner selves.
The word ‘spiritual’ might also be off-putting for those who cringe at the word itself. Fear not. While Richmond is an ordained Zen priest and meditation teacher of renown, he doesn’t preach the Zen gospel. Rather he shares a great deal of his personal experience while drawing from this rich vein of tradition. He writes with a light touch, guiding us through practices that enliven our daily lives, regardless of our spiritual or religious views and beliefs.
Interwoven with personal stories, Richmond offers us gentle practices along with sage wisdom. His own teacher, Shuryu Suzuki Roshi, had a succinct answer when asked what is the purpose of meditation. “So you can enjoy your old age.” And while the book was published over a decade ago, its insights and teachings bear the test of time. (Isn’t it amazing that ‘a decade’ seems so long ago?)
One of the practices that affected me deeply is one that many of you may be familiar with. Richmond presents it with a twist that ignited something in me. He offers us a refreshed version of the traditional Metta/Lovingkindness meditation. In his words, it’s a practice for “aging well.”
As I grow older, may I be kind to myself;
As I grow older, may I accept joy and sorrow;
As I grow older, may I be happy and at peace.
As each of us grow older, may we be kind to ourselves;
As each of growsolder,may we accept joy and sorrow;
As each of us grows older, may we be happy and at peace.
As all beings grow older, may they be kind to themselves;
As all beings grow older, may they accept joy and sorrow;
As all beings grow older, may they be happy and at peace.
This practice can be a sitting practice, in a traditional way, or it might be a passing thought/wish/prayer at any time. It might even be helpful as a way to welcome sleep.
It was Richmond’s addition of that first phrase, that touched me so deeply. Acknowledging my own ageing, the shared process of the entire community of elders, and the connection to all beings opened my heart more profoundly to this familiar practice.
May we all be kind, accepting and at peace.